Friday Funny: 12 Signs You Attend Church in the Suburbs

From Stuff Christians Like: Kristin Weber’s hilarious “12 Signs You Attend Church in the Suburbs.” (Find the original post here and more great humor on Kristin’s blog.)

You might you attend church in the suburbs if…

1.  Your church parking lot looks like an SUV dealership.

2.  There are seven Starbucks within a five-mile radius of your church.

3.  You forgo Starbucks on Sundays in order to support the “coffee ministry” at your church’s on-site coffee shop, which is probably called either “Javallujah!” or “Heavenly Grounds.”

4.  Members under the age of 50 use the Bible apps on their iPhones, iPods, and iPads, instead of the pew Bible.

5.  The older members spend the entire sermon iJudging the younger members for “playing” on their iPhones, iPods, and iPads during church.

6.  The “poor” among you is the person without the iPhone, iPod or iPad.

7.  Your church is within walking distance of at least four other churches. You could realistically get coffee from one church’s coffee bar; drink it at the mid-size church that really “gets” worship, and then hop on over to the other mega church for the sermon because the preacher is more “dynamic.” (Translation: the chairs are more comfortable).

8.  Your church is less cool because it doesn’t have a fountain pond.

9.  Your church has a fountain pond, but it is still less cool because all the ducks chose to fellowship at a different pond-church.

10.  A non-Caucasian family joins your church, thus doubling the number of “ethnic” members, and you now consider your church a diverse body.

11.  “Christian” is not a sufficient enough answer when asked your religion. You must clarify whatkind of Christian you are by stating your
denomination.

Example:

“What religion are you?”

“Lutheran.”

Most suburbs have a complete church menu. The Protestants split…and kept on splitting. You can be Lutheran (Evangelical, Synod, American, or Free) Baptist, (Reformed, Southern, or Southern Reformed), Presbyterian (Orthodox, PCA or PCUSA), Methodist (United or Wesleyan), or the denomination of “non-denominational.”

12.  Crime takes a rest on Sundays so that the local police force can direct traffic in and out of church parking lots.

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